Cheddar Bacon Ranch Wreath

I have invented the greatest thing ever: the bacon-cheddar-ranch cheese-wreath. It’s like a cheese-ball, but with more surface area for bacony goodness. It is so good, future peoples will probably rename the upcoming holiday in honor of me: Michaelmas. Or something. I’m still workshopping it.

Ingredients

• 16 oz of Philadelphia cream cheese.
• 8 oz of Cabot Vermont Hunter (Seriously) Sharp Cheddar.
• 1 oz of King Arthur Better Cheddar cheese powder.
• 1 packet (1 oz) of Hidden Valley Ranch mix.
• 1 lb of maple bacon. I use bacon ends but regular should work too.
• 1 bag of sliced almonds.

Instructions

1. Cut the bacon into small pieces using scissors. Aim for 1 cm cubed or thereabouts.

2. Cook the bacon in a pan on medium heat.

• 10 minutes covered.
• Then uncover and continue to cook until the fat foams and the bacon is entirely rendered.
• Drain and set aside.

3. Finely shred your cheddar cheese. Eat the little nuggets that are left so you don’t hurt your fingies on the slicer. The finer you shred, the easier it will be to mix things later.

4. Microwave the cream cheese on medium for about a minute. You want it warmed so it’s more pliable, but not melted.

5. In a large bowl, mix your shredded cheese, ranch powder, cheese powder and cream cheese together. This part sucks.

6. Keep mixing until it’s smooth. Some strange chemical reaction happens causing the shredded cheese to “melt” into the cream cheese. The techincal term (that I made up) for this is deemulsification.

7. Measure out a pile of almond slices about half as big as your pile of bacon.

8. Get out your big scary knife and chop the bacon and almonds. We aren’t looking for Michelin star worthy chives, let’s be honest we couldn’t do that if we wanted to. Just make things a little smaller so it’ll stick to the outside of the wreath.

9. Mix the chopped bacon and almonds.

10. On parchment, spread out your cheese mix into a vague log shape. Your aiming for about 9 inches long.

11. Use the parchment to form into a smooth log. It’s easier then it seems. But also harder. I have faith (of the heart), you’ll figure it out.

12. Transfer your log to a second, clean piece of parchement

13. On the second piece of parchment, spread out the bacon and almond mix into in a thin layer, next to your log.

14. Use the parchment to roll the log in your bacon/almond mix.

15. Bend the log into a wreath. Any extra coating can go in the middle.

16. Cut the parchment into a circle around the wreath.

17. Using the parchment, transfer into a leftover Chinese takeout container.

18. Refrigerate until firmer.

Enjoy with Ritz.